605 Magazine

Name: Mary Frances Abbott

Age: 22

Hometown: Well, I was born in Minneapolis, but raised in Sioux Falls. Final answer: Sioux Falls.

Position: Sales Account Manager.

Favorite thing about the 605: Sioux Falls. We have this city with so much to offer in an area that is so plain. Get it? Plains? Just so everyone knows, it is always okay to laugh at my bad jokes.

Hobbies: Music, soccer, hanging out with my dog Q, working out, and riding my motorcycle. I love being a girl and riding a motorcycle.  It is very empowering—like wearing killer high heels. There are also things I am involved in that are more a part of my lifestyle, but began as a hobby. I mentor a bright, young lady through Big Brothers Big Sisters who has become a close friend. Mentoring gives people the chance to share their life’s wisdom (or life’s lessons), so others can learn from it.

Favorite album: Right now I am super stoked about finding my long lost Milo Goes to College album by the Descendents. I love old, punk music. It was just about raw emotion instead of what’s “cool.”

Favorite food: This chicken salad my mom makes. I don’t even know what it is. I just call it “that one salad I like with the noodles and fruit.” Seriously though, ask Karla Abbott to cook for you—you will not regret it.

Favorite TV show: This one is hard for me. I actually don’t end up watching a lot of television, but when I do it is usually something like Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares or Tabatha’s Salon Takeover. I love the fact that they get paid to oust people’s failure in both business and common sense.

Favorite movie: Amelie.  I’m a romantic at heart. Or Smoke Signals, for true native humor (see last question). “Eyyy, Victor. What about your dad?!”

Favorite website: Google. I use it for everything.  It is my phone book, it helps me win bets, and alleviates my inquisitive habits.

Thing you can’t live without: Air, food and water.

Best place you’ve visited: India. I took a study abroad opportunity through Augustana [College] that was truly (at risk of sounding cliché), the experience of a lifetime. I strongly encourage anyone in school to take advantage of the opportunities available to them! Places I want to visit include Pakistan, Azerbaijan, and Norway, to name a few. I have some good friends from college I need to keep tabs on!

Favorite issue of 605: October 2010.  I loved the makeup on the Zombie Walk feature–the cover shot still looks too real to me.  And Zombie Mayor Mike Huether makes me laugh.

Craziest/funniest thing that has happened so far while working for 605: When I (accidentally) almost killed the refrigerator by leaving it open over night. I was unaware that mustard, yogurt and creamer could smell so bad. On the bright side, I still have a job, and the fridge bounced back faster than expected.

Favorite moment so far at 605: Every day at the office is my favorite! If I had to pick one, though, it would be Alana’s sweet dance moves, which, still, is an everyday occurrence.

What can you provide for clients at 605: A fresh avenue for them to reach an often difficult demographic. I know plenty of people my age and older who have a problem with the idea of being “sold” something through advertising. For me, what we provide is all about the relationship and connecting a similar vision between us and our business partners, and our business partners and readers.

Something a lot of people might not know about you: I’m an enrolled member of the Cheyenne River Sioux tribe here in South Dakota. I am always learning about my heritage, and thankfully have a great educator who raised her kids to respect ourselves, others and our roots. Having a multi-cultural background makes it easy for me to appreciate diversity and accept people as individuals.

Was it strolling downtown with characters from “Star Wars” on Labor Day?

Was it getting pooped on by a dairy cow?

Was it duct-taping filmmakers?

Was it hosting a party for Joel Hodgson from “Mystery Science Theater 3000″?

Or was it the 2011 planking craze crashing the 605 Summer Classic? (Still terrifying.)

So much has happened at 605, and we are forever grateful for all of our readers, contributors and advertisers (endless supporters that are the reason for 605 being free).

We thought it might be hard to top our first year where we were learning as we went to find what readers wanted (Alana even got massaged by a couple when learning about couple massages – yes, you read that right).

It’s hard to know where to start. We finally made our home in Cherapa Place (suite 504) and featured four young leaders (and started working with the wonderful Jeff Sampson Photography).

February’s issue kicked off Blinded by Love (email contact@605magazine.com if you would like to participate in 2012′s) where readers got to choose between four guys and four girls on who would go on a date with who. It was worth creeping at the bar for four dates (including several that went on so long we had to leave). Some ended in friendships, one a fight, one in potential chemistry that fizzled, and others in friendship (or no-ship).

March had a cover that became a little controversial with bodybuilder Madeleine Whalen. We only received one phone call that informed us this is Sioux Falls, not Sin City (wha?!), but we were asked a quite a bit if we got any backlash. In all honesty the bikini is what she wears on stage for competitions so we felt it was very appropriate for the story. Also, Madeleine is so sweet she’ll give you a cavity (strange, considering she’s a dental hygienist) so we don’t think anything was raunchy about it.

March also marked our first appearance on KSFY in the morning with Shawn and Nancy, kudos to Denise DePaolo. We are so appreciative and proud to appear on the show and look forward to it every month (which we never thought we would appreciate getting up at 5 a.m.). It must be love!

It was apparent that South Dakota’s spring was going to be horrible when we walked into the garage for cover story We All Have Hooks For Hands. Water almost went up to our ankles, but they were still up for using an insane amount of colorful (and drenched) confetti and balloons. We also got pretty crazy with the fog machine, to say the least. Their live show marked one of several local concerts held at the Orpheum Theater this year (including Soulcrate Music’s 10-Year Anniversary concerts being held Dec. 22 and 23).

May turned out to be really fun when it could have been really awkward. Because we can’t get enough of puns, we wanted to portray that cover story Andrew Kightlinger and Luke Shuetzle are “captured” by film. That totally means duct taping them to chairs like they’re being kidnapped, naturally. Not only were they surprisingly down for it, they said we could tape their mouthes shut (which Schuetzle probably regretted once he remembered he had a beard). Keep up to date with their post-apocalyptic film “Dust of War.”

Visiting Laura Nielson on her family’s dairy farm was a very memorable day for 605. It is beyond impressive the hours and work they put into providing quality products and keeping the cows happy (we died when we toured the calves, some only born the day or two before). This was when Alana was holding a light during a shot and the cows began to back up from getting nervous. One cow proceeded to defecate on her back (precious!). Poop and all, it was a very eventful day!

What a lot of people don’t know is that by the time Southeastern Hair Design and Day Spa provided cover story Elisabeth Hunstad’s makeup and hair, and after a few outfit changes provided by AMaVo Boutique, Candace Ann of Candace Ann Photography had to get to a consultation for another client. We were running way over time and something had to happen, so Candace’s 16-year-old and extremely talented daughter Michelle Schwab grabbed the camera. She was the one who actually took the cover shot and several of the images in the story layout. It was a very long and fun day. Hunstad hit the main stage at this year’s JazzFest, which was one of the hottest/stickiest ever.

August… we knew it started out in a random/entertaining way when Cliff Ave. Greenhouse let Alana, Jeff Sampson and Eli Show take images of amps with plants to help promote 2011′s 605 Summer Classic. This year’s Classic (brought to everyone by Sanford elite1 and University Center) was a hit, with V the Noble One as emcee, Mel from Hot 104.7 making a guest appearance, KSFY’s Nancy Naeve Brown blowing the first whistle for the Roller Dollz, and bands The Golden Bubbles, The Tinder Box, The Coltcockers, Phantom Balance, The Kickback, and headliners Heiruspecs and Doomtree putting on memorable performances. People began planking on everything from porta-potties to the stage, which got a little out of control when they planked the apartment building across the way (do not recommend). Also, Totem crashed the Classic, and we liked it

As most of our shoots, this one was definitely a hoot. Not only did Platinum Imagination turn Lawrence & Schiller’s Natalie Eisenberg into a 50′s ad agency vixen, but we all received odd glances when we had a fake graffiti arrest in an alley downtown.

We did not know what really went out beyond the “Star Wars” attire when we met the 501st Legion. All of these people have a passion for the franchise and for helping people in need. This group is full of compassion and commitment to helping others, especially children.

We also got to host a party during the Reel Dakota Film Festival weekend for someone who we grew up watching: “Mystery Science Theater 3000′s” Joel Hodgson. He was charming, hilarious (as expected), was extremely approachable, and even did a magic trick to say thank you. We will never forget that evening and thank the Reel Dakota Film Society for asking us to host.

And last month we brought readers Ted Heeren’s and Steve Bormes’ Telestory, a phone booth that not only records stories for weddings and other events, but can capture moments in time like 9/11 and disaster memories. One of the many reasons Sioux Falls is unique is that you can round up a Shriner, an Elvis impersonator, a hunter and a roller derby athlete in days to be in a shoot.

Thus, now we land into December where we check out Meso, a coworking community in downtown Sioux Falls. We have increased our distribution to Brookings, Vermillion, Brandon and Pierre along with our 90+ Sioux Falls locations. We never take this for granted and feel so lucky to meet so many talented and creative people in South Dakota.

We look forward to the next 3 years and hope to multiply that by 100

xoxo, 605, The Snyders (Alana, John, Goose and Mr. Sir)

While others were grilling out or enjoying the beautiful weather, 605 was working on the October cover story and had members of the Central Garrison 501st Legion and Rebel Legion. The group was truly an inspiration, and Jeff Sampson joined us later to take images downtown (you might have noticed the lineup of “Star Wars” characters walking around.

See more in our October issue. We seriously love what we do… who can say they ever had this image at their conference table?

-Alana

Our September fashion section touches on mixing up modern looks with vintage (it’s crazy how much has come back in style). We had a beautiful sunset until a giant… and we mean giant… cloud took over. The shots still were perfecto because they were by Candace Ann Photography. Check out our model Cami wearing a vintage vest and matching camel hot pants from The Vintage Youth, paired with a modern blouse from AMaVo Boutique. See the rest in the next issue of 605 on stands September 1!

We could not have asked for better weather, better music, better derby, or a better crowd this past weekend at the 2nd Annual 605 Summer Classic presented by Sanford elite 1 Insurance and University Center. Thank you to our sponsors Howalt-McDowell, Active Data Systems, Sioux Falls Federal Credit Union, and Club David for all of the amazing support.

The day would not have gone as smoothly without our incredible volunteers (kudos to our volunteer coordinator, Rebecca Bessman). Also, Jayson Weihs of Collective Efforts Union is our hero for all his great work with the bands, promotion and the like.

Thank you to the Sioux Falls Roller Dollz for a bout filled with hip-checking and a little blood against the Eastern Iowa Outlaws (thank you to Nancy Naeve Brown for blowing the first whistle). The Golden Bubbles, The Tinder Box, The Coltcockers, Phantom Balance, The Kickback, Heiruspecs and Doomtree killed it with incredible acts. V the Noble One was the best emcee anyone could ask for (thank you Mel from Hot 104.7 for announcing as well and bringing your loveliness!). Dan Thorson captured the event with photos (one teaser pictured above of Doomtree) and the master Carlos de Leon captured it on film.

Thank you to Downtown Sioux Falls for partnering with us, and we hope everyone had a blast at the First Friday Downtown Block Party/605 Summer Classic Warm-Up. A big thanks to Steve and the vendors at 8th & Railroad Center for hosting us at a unique and beautiful venue.

And the biggest thanks goes to YOU who came out and supported! Without you there wouldn’t be the 605 Summer Classic, and we really appreciate it. We do this festival for you, so please email us any comments, good or bad, about how we did and what we can start on next year for you (contact@605magazine.com).

A portion of our proceeds will once again go to Almost Home Canine Rescue and Sioux Falls SNIP. Please check out this story that aired yesterday on Almost Home and give both of them some love! Animals are needing homes, and maybe you are it.

Again… THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!!!!

Season 6, Episode 14: Round One Quarter Finals keep continuing…

Before we get too far into discussing the ins and outs of this week’s quarter finals round of competition on America’s Got Talent, I’d like to talk a bit about how wild and unpredictable life can be sometimes.

If you would have asked me three years ago if I thought I would be doing something like writing a weekly recap of America’s Got Talent, I probably would have said something like, “Are you kidding me, man? No way! That show looks terrible, and I would never waste my time watching it! Never! Do you hear me? Never! NEVER!!!”

But here I am on a Wednesday night in the summer of 2011, writing another 1,000 words or so (kind of) about that same reality TV competition that the theoretical, past version of me was so obnoxiously and pretentiously opposed to. Life is weird, you know?

Similarly, if you would have asked me three years ago if I thought I would be playing in an adult recreational Summer kickball league, I probably would have said something like, “Are you kidding me, sucker? I would never participate in bullshit like Adult Kickball! I am a serious person with no time or interest in ironic fun!! Do you HEAR ME?? NO TIME!!!”

But here I am on a Wednesday night in the summer of 2011, still metaphorically buzzing from my adult kickball team’s near-win tonight (7-8, mostly due to a couple of bullshit calls from questionably qualified umpires), and still literally drunk from the several alcoholic beverages I consumed on a nearly-empty stomach as I watched the game.

“’Watched’? Why did you just watch, Brian? Why didn’t you play with your team? Are you LAZY??” No, I am not lazy, but—relative to many of the members of my adult kickball team—I am kind of old, and I did manage to injure myself during the bottom of the first inning, running to first. People pull quads all the time, people! Leave me alone!

So maybe I was feeling a little self-conscious about injuring myself playing kickball, and so indulged too heavily in alcoholic drinks to lessen my social anxiety. And maybe after the game, when the team met at a sports bar to celebrate our near-win, I drank a couple more alcoholic drinks instead of the glasses of water I told myself (and my teammates) that I would drink on the drive from the kickball field. Yeah, I had a couple more drinks than is maybe reasonable on a Wednesday night. SO SUE ME, WHY DON’T YOU!!??

At any rate, I just want to say that I’m really proud of my adult league kickball team tonight. Despite not (technically) winning, everyone put forth an amazing effort, and they really deserve your respect. As much respect, even, as the four America’s Got Talent acts that moved on to the semi-finals this week (so smooth!):

1. Landau Eugene Murphy, Jr. (car-washer/crooner)
2. PopLyfe (tween reggae-pop band)
3. Lys Agnes (boring singer)
4. Professor Splash (high-diver into shallow water-er)

Next week: Another semi-finals round! Also, fewer (if not no) alcoholic drinks for me!

Season 6, Episode 13: Round 1 Quarterfinals Continue

Last week, my friend Corey Vilhauer very astutely remarked that America’s Got Talent should be called America’s Next Basketball Half-time Show Circuit Star. None of the twelve acts in tonight’s second quarterfinals round embody this more than Attack Dance Crew–eight guys who definitely dance well enough to almost keep the attention of whoever doesn’t need to go to the bathroom during the middle of a NCAA game.

After Attack, singer-guitarist Dani Shay takes the stage. Dani likes to talks a lot about how people say that she looks like Justin Bieber. Do you know why people say that she looks like Justin Bieber? It’s a little bit because she naturally resembles him slightly, and a lot because she styles her hair and dresses exactly like Justin Bieber. Boo, Dani Shay. I’m fast-forwarding through your cornball folk guitar pop nonsense.

This next act bums me out a little. Comedian Geechy Guy has been around for over twenty years, and he has apparently been doing the same act for twenty years. By that I do not mean that he has been performing the same shtick for twenty years. I mean he has been performing the exact same jokes for the past twenty years. I know this because when I was a pre-teen (that’s what we used to call “tweens”), I was fairly obsessed with stand-up comedy (I suppose I still am, a bit). I would consume every stand-up showcase shown on basic cable—from Caroline’s Comedy Hour to Evening at the Improv to MTV’s Half-Hour Comedy Hour. Geechy Guy made the rounds on all of those shows in the early 90’s, and the twelve year-old me thought he was terrific. He is truly weird and super awkward, and he tells one-liners that often manage to be simultaneously surreal and corny.

Tonight is Geechy’s third appearance on this season of America’s Got Talent, and so far I have recognized every single joke he has told as relics of his 90’s TV appearances. To be clear, they are pretty solid one-liners, but at the risk of sounding snobby, performing the same material for two decades is a pretty damn hacky move for a comedian. …But what do I know? Nick Cannon loves Geechy Guy, and he used to be the host of Nick Cannon’s Wild N’ Out! Still, twelve year-old me is pretty disappointed.

Daniel Joseph Baker is introduced by a pre-recorded segment in which he reflects on being bullied in his hometown of Katy, Texas, and informs us that he plans to make tonight’s performance as “fierce” as possible. I’m not 100% sure what that means, but he busts out a clubby dance ballad (is that a thing?), accompanied by half a dozen dancers. It was pretty good.

The Rhinestone Ropers are next. In the past, the guy has thrown knives and shot guns at a lady spinning on a wheel. Tonight they did some light, horse-based slapstick and a few rope tricks. So that’s a thing, I guess. Piers notes that the horse didn’t really do anything during the act. Apparently Piers didn’t see the horse pick up the guy’s hat when he dropped it. Take that, you smug British bastard!

Singer-songwriter Dylan Andre introduces himself with a sad story about how his mom was offered a recording contract when she was young, but was forced to turn it down by her controlling father. His story about his mom is almost as sad as his performance is lame. Thumbs down. Waaaay down.

Stage magician Landon Swank does some stage magic stuff, which I did not even consider not fast-forwarding through.

Smage Bros. Riding Shows are at it again, jumping over some random stuff on the stage, and jumping over each other on the stage. If you like loud noises and suffocating diesel fumes, then I guess these are your guys!

Thomas John calls himself a “Comedy Juggler.” I think he should call himself a “’Comedy’ Juggler.” [Note to Thomas John: A couple of years ago, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia made the ironic use of “Oh Yeah” by Yello (the “Day Bow Bow” song) completely redundant.]

Poledancer Stephen Retchless is my favorite act of the season, I think. After a performance even more beautiful and impressive than his last two, it’s the same story at the judges’ table: Sharon thinks the show is fabulous, Howie thinks it’s neat, and Piers hates it for making him examine his own heterosexuality, even for just 90 seconds. Piers notes, “There’s a reason there’s no male pole dancing clubs in America.” Maybe not, but Cirque du Soleil produces some of the most popular shows in Vegas history, and that’s what Stephen’s work resembles most. But why send more art to Las Vegas when so many shitty stage magicians are looking for work, right, Piers?

Twin sisters/singers Mona Lisa are up next. Help me out, singers: why do so many of you wag one hand back and forth while you’re holding the long notes? Is it just because you need something to do with the one not holding the mic?

Tuesday night’s final performance is from Silhouettes—that really cool shadow-based choreography act (I don’t even know what to call it…). Silhouettes already looks like a Vegas show, and everyone loves them. I can’t imagine them not moving on to the next round…

…and they do!

See, through the magic of DVR technology, it is now suddenly Wednesday night, and the four advancing acts are being announced over the course of an hour-long slog of pre-recorded and re-aired filler, and a handful of tired guest performances.

But, like last week, I am dispensing with the Wednesday night bullshit, and am telling you right now that the following acts are moving on to the semi-finals round:

1. Stephen Retchless (right on!)
2. Daniel Joseph Baker (sure!)
3. Smage Bros. Riding Team (okay…)
4. Silhouettes (of course.)

And that’s it for another week. Excuse me while I try not to think about this show at all for the next five days.

Season 6, Episode 12: Round 1 Quarterfinals

Before we begin, I need to tell you something that is a little embarrassing, and a lot depressing. Due to some very sloppy research (damn you, bottom-of-the-first-page-of-Google-results!), when I suggested recapping America’s Got Talent for 605, I was under the impression that the show’s run would end on July 20 (next Wednesday). It made sense. How could NBC possibly drag this out longer than a couple of months, I thought. But guess, what, everybody? This shit doesn’t wrap up until SEPTEMBER-GODDAMN-14^TH!

Here’s how the rest of the season goes: Every Tuesday night, twelve of the remaining 48 acts will perform (again) for the judges. As soon as the show ends (After two hours. Two hours! Every week!!), everyone in America—and I mean everyone—will rush to their phones and vote for their favorite performer of the night via text. Then we will try, in vain, to get some sleep that night, so wracked will we be with anxiety about which of the generically handsome dudes singing Michael Buble covers will advance to the next round. We will stumble our way through work on Wednesday, counting the hours and the minutes until 9PM Eastern/8PM Central, when the hour-long weekly results show airs, and we learn which four contestants from the previous night will move on to the next round of competition. America will collectively release the breath we’ll have been holding all day, and we will finally be able to relax until the next Tuesday, when we will do it all over again, and again, and again, until September 14. SEPTEMBER 14^TH!!

Clearly, I am still reeling from the shock of this. Although I initially only signed up to do this gig through the end of July, I am going to stick it out through the season finale in September (Seriously, you guys! September!).

So here’s the plan for me for the rest of the season: Every Tuesday night, I’m going to fix myself a vodka-based drink, sit down in front of my TV, try to explain to my DVR why I keep asking it to record America’s Got Talent every week, and try to think of something to say about the show other than what’s wrong with whatever cartoonishly awful suit Nick Cannon happens to be wearing that particular night. Then, each Wednesday night I will fast-forward through the results show, and report back to you.

At this point, we’ve already seen each of the Final 48 contestants perform at least once. How will the show keep our attention for the next two and a half months? Why, by manufacturing minor drama, of course!

Enter: The Miami All-Stars, who have to make some very last minute changes to their routine, as they were unable to get the rights to a key piece of music cleared before show time. It’s unclear how much/little time they had to rework their routine, but they still did great. Round of applause, everyone.

Next up is piano player/singer/all around great showman Desmond Meeks, who is shown having a mini-anxiety attack during rehearsal, but still gives a solid performance, but Howie and Sharon think that he went a little over the top. I wonder if it was the matching sequined tie and cumperbund, or the showers of gold confetti that they thought was a bit much?

Do you remember Those Funny Little People? They’re the really annoying people dancing to “It’s Raining Men” in weird felt gnome costumes. Pretty terrible, right? Tell that to the auditorium giving them ANOTHER standing ovation. Piers rattles off a terse, but accurate critique of their act (“They’re not funny. They’re not little. And they’re not even people.” All excellent points.), but the idiot Mandel still loves them, because of course he does.

The Fearless Flores Family rides their motorcycles in the giant spherical cage again. I’m not saying that what they do isn’t impressive—it is!—but it’s also the same act every time, and I don’t know how they’re going to up the ante any more if they keep advancing. Each time they perform, one of them is inches away from dying, but I’m already bored to death.

…What’s that? Those adorable Flores children are standing behind me, lower lips quivering, eyes brimming with tears? Um… Prove me wrong, kids! Prove me wrong. …are they gone yet?

Musical performance art collective Squonk Opera is up next (note: last week I erroneously called them “Squawk Opera.” You can kindly stop sending your letters of correction now.). They’re an interesting group, but I think they would be much more interesting if they cut out of the “weird for the sake of weirdness” from their act (I’m talking to you, Chubby Middle-aged Guy Playing a Trumpet in a Cherub Costume!). Sharon and Piers both gave them X’s. Sharon didn’t like the song. Howie liked the cherub thing. Piers is pretty brutal, calling the performance hellish. Jeepers, Piers…

Shitty guitar comic J Chris Newberg is up next. Howie still loves him, Piers still hates him, and this makes him very controversial because all three of them are terrible people in different ways.

18 year-old street dancer/really nice kid, Snap Boogie, is next, and this time he brought back up dancers. Not much to say about this guy, except that he is still awesome. If I could be any one of the Final 48, I would want to be Snap Boogie.

New recap rule: I will no longer comment on any bird acts. Sorry, Echo of Animal Gardens.

The Fiddleheads—those guys who play bluegrass versions pop music—are wearing leather pants tonight. For real. They try very hard to muster up a bit of energy, but give a performance that was stiff to the point of animatronic. The judges are all disappointed for different reasons. It’s clear all of them want to like the Fiddleheads, but the Fiddleheads are making it tough for everyone.

Acrobat couple Aero Duo do a neat trapeze dance act that is nearly identical to their first routine. Piers calls bullshit with an X right away. I’m with Piers. More like Zero Duo! I mean, right?? September 14^th, guys. September 14^th.

Next is 11 year-old Anna Graceman, who is one of those TV singing contest kids who sounds like she’s been singing for about three decades longer than she’s been alive. She’s definitely going to be a major contender for the rest of the season, but  an 11 year-old singer won the competition last year, and I just don’t think America is ready for two vocal prodigies in a row.

We end Tuesday night with another group of acrobats, Sandou Trio Russian Bar. Here’s what they do: Two guys hold a four-inch wide stick on their shoulders, and a lady jumps on the bar and does flips and stuff over a flaming bed of nails. It is terrifying, but she doesn’t die, luckily.

With that, the voting begins…

CUT TO: 24 HOURS LATER. SAME CHANNEL. DIFFERENT, BUT EQUALLY TERRIBLE SUIT ON NICK

If you’re wondering how the show manages to stretch simply announcing four winners into an hour-long show, here’s how:

Even more inane banter between the judges. Guest performances (tonight: the Broadway cast of Priscilla Queen of the Desert and Avril Lavigne. Hey, remember Avril Lavigne?). Gratuitous, extended clips of last night’s performances, in case we can’t remember things that happened more than 22 hours ago

I’m cutting the Wednesday night bullshit, though. Here are this week’s winners:

1. Snap Boogie
2. Sandou Trio Russian Bar
3. Anna Graceman
4. The Miami All Stars

And that’s one more week down. Only [deep breath] nine more weeks to go. God help me.

The Washington Pavilion and the Sioux Falls Art Council combine Andy Warhol and ink with a kick-ass-unique event tomorrow (July 13) from 6-9 p.m. at the Pavilion. Four tattoo studios will provide up to two artists to participate and create a work of art in front of attendees in the middle of the second floor lobby next to the bar (even better!).

Those who will be tattooed are pre-selected by the artists. Want to see more of the artists’ work? There will be 24 tattooed models that show of what each of them can do in the Andy Warhol exhibit.

Vote for your favorite tattoo(s) and the winner will receive a cash prize.

The Ink-Fest event is free, but if you want to check out the Andy Warhol Exhibition it’s $10. The $10 also gets you free beer if you are 21 or over. Say “No SH%@” at the box office to get $1 off entry.

Don’t miss this event during DTSF’s Hot Summer Nights!

For more info, visit www.WashingtonPavilion.org.

Season 6, Episodes 11 & 12, “Vegas Week”

Well, the auditions are over, and now shit’s getting real. The judges may have had a lot of fun over the last few weeks, with their scripted jibes at one another, and their fake prank wars, and their giant hamster balls, but right out of the gate it is made very clear that it is now time to get down to some serious business.

We open with the judges riding in an RV from Los Angeles to Las Vegas, reviewing the performances of the performers that have been advanced to Vegas Week.  All three judges are suddenly very critical as clips of prior weeks’ performers flit across the RV’s flatscreen. Their discussions are fake-heated, as they argue about who should and shouldn’t advance from Vegas Week to The Final 48 in Hollywood.

…Wait a minute. “The Final 48”? I’m still not exactly sure how this show works. Luckily, a grave Nick Cannon explains the Vegas Week process in voiceover:

It’s not exactly clear how many acts have been moved on to Vegas Week to start. A hundred, maybe? Let’s go with that. Of that hundred, the judges have (kind of dickishly) broken the acts down into three categories:

1. Judges Favorites. Pretty self-explanatory. These are the acts that all three judges agreed are “exceptional” in some way.
2. Stand-bys. These acts are those that the judges found to be lacking in some way, and are less likely to be moved on.

Lastly, there are ten acts that the judges have decided will not perform in Las Vegas at all.

So wait. NBC flew these two dozen people to Las Vegas and put them up in a hotel just to tell them that they’re not going to perform and are going home? Couldn’t they have passed that airfare and hotel money on to the folks at Parks and Rec instead?

But no! It’s a fake out! These ten acts are not performing in Vegas this week, because they are so good that they are automatically moving on to Hollywood! Oh, my god, what a fake-relief after all that fake-tension!

(The acts that are moving on are Captain Stab Tago, The Rhinestone Ropers, The Fearless Flores Family, Team iLuminate, Lys Agnes, Alyssa Somethingorother, The Miami All-Stars, Professor Splash, The Silhouettes, and Squawk Opera)

The remaining acts are then grouped into several different categories. Actually, it’s more like a few different categories and many, many sub-categories for the show’s myriad singer-songwriters. Each performer has been classified as “Danger,” “Acrobats” (which is also inherently kind of dangerous), “Animal Acts,” “Magicians” (zzz), “Comedians,” “Dancers,” “Bands,” “Novelty Acts” (i.e. “Freak Shows”), or one of the following variations on “singer”: “Female Singer,” “Male Singer,” “Classical Singer” and “Vocal” (??).

The categories are the same for both the Judges Favorites and the Standbys, except for the addition of the “Kid Acts” category to the Standbys, because—as I’ve been saying from the beginning—kids are just not that great.

Each night, each act performs once again for the judges, presumably upping their game at least a little from the auditions round. This time the judges make a point of watching stoically, and won’t reveal who will move on to Hollywood and who will be sent home until the end of the night… Except that they reserve the right to dismiss people right away during their performance if they think that they really stink. You know, in case they’re feeling especially mean or whatever.

And so the winnowing begins.

I’m not going to break down each performance again, because for the most part, it’s a lot more of the same. That said, the producers and editors were able to create a few interesting, weird bits of drama over the course of the two nights, though.

During the Judges Favorites “Acrobats” round, there was some (barely) friendly rivalry between the two (!) pole-dancing acts that advanced to Vegas. Prior to their performances, there was more than one shot of Steve the Pole-dancer and Solei the Pole-dancer giving each other the hairy eyeball. The judges all agreed that—as good as they both were (Steve was light years better than Solei)—it would just be crazy to send two pole-dancers to Hollywood.

During their discussion at the table, Howie notes that Steve is a better showman and dancer than Solei (who has painted herself blue for some reason). It’s true. But Piers is not comfortable enough with his heterosexuality to acknowledge that he enjoys watching a young gay man pole-dance in hot pants, so he gives Howie the following not-at-all-homophobic reply: “Maybe, but I prefer watching HER do it.” Tip for the next round of performers: The quickest way to get into the top 48 is by giving Piers a boner.

Don’t worry, though. Cooler, less gay-panicky heads prevail, and Steve is ultimately moved on to Hollywood.

Fatally Unique and LD Dance each have mishaps during rehearsals that result in members of the group needing medical attention. One of Fatally Unique’s dancers falls face-first onto the floor from the top of a human pyramid. She is taken away in an ambulance wearing a neck brace, and the camera lingers ominously on a small, but gross pool of blood on the stage floor. (Official diagnosis: split lip and “fractured nose tip” Fractured nose tip??)

LD Dance’s leader, Lucia, sprains her ankle, but dances through gritted teeth and tears. It’s kind of moving. Ultimately, though, Fatally Unique moves on to Hollywood, and Lucia and LD Dance limp home.

I guess this week is when we should start speculating who’s going to take this thing, huh? My money is on car-washer cum Sinatra-crooner Landau Eugene Murphy, Jr., mostly because—after witnessing another contestant’s distress at being sent home—Landau tells the camera “I don’t know what I’d do if I get sent home like that.” Which, in retrospect, sounds a little like a veiled suicide threat…

Each night is closed out with a montage of the judges alternately congratulating and rejecting the lucky and not-so-lucky performers. In order to keep the sequence “interesting,” the judges hedge their congratulations in increasingly obnoxious fake-outs. “The hardest part of this job is having to send such talented performers home,” Sharon tells one quivering contestant after another, “…but we’re sending YOU to Hollywood!!” …and on and on for four minutes.

Next week starts the live shows from Hollywood. So get your texting fingers ready, because it’s almost time to vote. …But be warned: standard messaging rates apply!